First leg: Medford Oregon

As I was driving today, I continually wrote. The trouble was, that was driving...

Last year, as mom lay dying, I lost my voice. It began as a runny nose, and stopped there except that my voice ran away with my nose. I have been feeling like I have lost my voice again, with this next phase of mom.

Mom is on life support, and touts an untreatable and contagious infection in her kidneys. Unlike the previous experience, mom is not fighting the restraints kept inlace to keep her from pulling out her feeding and breathing tubes. My sister Lisa, who opted to go be with mom rather than come down and has been up there since Friday, says that mom's eyelids are dark, she is sinking.

Tia, flew from Long Beach, Monday night and I felt I should fly with her. I didn't follow that intuition and stayed home. Last night, I knew I needed to get there, so this morning I got in the car and started driving.

Around four pm, my phone rang. It was my sister calling from the hospital. It was time for a conference call with the same social worker who walked us through the turning off the machines the first time. She asked really hard questions, things that for most people might be easy to answer about a parent.

For my family, mom has been such a challenge. Of all the ailments and diseases she has been treated for in the past years, she never sought help for her mind. My hope is that when she passes, and her mind is clean of her body's ailments, she can open her mind and feel the amazing love that was there being offered and is being offered. It's tough to walk on eggshells because there is no knowing if the rational mom or the irrational tyrant will answer.

The drive was beautiful. It was dusky for a long time, something I miss about living in the north. Russian sunsets in the spring, last for hours. Before I left orange county, I grabbed baggies of veg, something to snack on when I get sleepy. I crossed the Siskiyou pass in the dark, chased by fear of deer and bear crossing the freeway. Tonight, I'll sleep well, the sound of road noise still blaring in my head, and the jitters of a very large Coke finally wearing off.