Umami

I've been a bit of an emotional logjam, lately. This morning, as I was finishing my 6.4 mile run, my sister called to chat. She asked me how I'm doing with dad being here and told me that she is worried about me. I burst out crying. It's just a lot, all at once. I'm so grateful I have running, riding and swimming to assist with fighting back some of the more overwhelming
Feelings.

JE is working solid 12-16 hour days for the next two weeks, including weekends. There is talk that his company could be sending him out of the country for a couple weeks for work (those of you who don't know my JE, don't be suspicious of him. He is true and pure and loyal). I'm dying to go with him, if he gets to go. But what about dad?

I keep thinking about that 8 year old me, listening to the radio giving away vacations and wanting for my family to be able to go on a vacation. But even at that age, I knew I'd have to come back to the destitute situation of my family.

Even so, I sneak time away. My runs are getting longer, allowing me to escape for an hour or two, just to be on my own; with my only care: my breath. And sometimes, late at night, I run with JE. And other times, dad goes to the family history center.

I love having my father here, I love his intelligence, kindness and laugh. He is a sweet person and helpful when he can be. He has learned so much about how to take care of himself lately; from his glucose and exercise, to brushing his hair, putting on clean clothes and taking pride in the way he looks before he goes out. I don't really know how to explain who my parents are/were: they lived together for 44 years and didn't really pay much attention to what was happening around them. Dad lived under a tyrannical and abusive rule for most of those years, so right now he is learning how to be a person again. I think it's very difficult for him to be alone, even to go to the grocery store. I've been trying to encourage him to get at least one meal for himself each day, but I have to be so careful because some days he just does not eat. He spoke about his hoarding problem today, he owned that he hoarded and never wanted to do that again.

Tonight, halloweeners came to the door and got a scare. Outside the door, Dad sat perfectly still holding a big bowl of candy. As kids came into range, dad surprised them. I listened from the balcony as one boy told his friend, "you go first, don't be such a baby!" But neither of them would get anywhere near dad. So funny!

My bread is getting better, JE is earning extra dough, dad's blood sugar is stable--it has been in a normal range for a while, I'm caught up in my class, and suddenly have 4 people calling me for work (just small jobs). There is a bitter sweetness in my life, a full mouth feel, a richness. Umami.