BitterSweet Goodbye

AM:
There are some things in life which require big boots. Today is one of those days, when I wish I had a giant pair of broken in, uber comfortable, soft and supple, protective, stabilizing boots. Instead, I have a ballet flat, which is soft and comfortable on most days, just not comforting.

But this morning, I slipped on my running shoes, and ran. The world shrinks when running. These vast stretches of road I saw as a kid were suddenly shrunk into laudable distance on which to run. The view was of the great Columbia river and the confluence of the Wenatchee river. Clouds rolled in as I ran, but the hills surrounding the town shone gold in the early light. I ran for about an hour and some, pausing to admire the view, rest and talk to God. This enormous feeling of needful gratitude hung about my heart, and I needed to thank Him for my family and our trials, all the things that have made us close together and bonded. When I told him that this is too hard, he questioned the 'too,' reminding me of all he puts up with from us down here. I corrected myself, admitting that this is hard, just right hard--as hard as it should be. A tender mercy happened then, JE sent me a text letting me know that he was safe and sound at work, and that he loves me. Loosing him right now, would be too hard.

I love that I have running. When all the world feels like it's crashing and colliding, I have this gift, this one amazing way to relieve the stress, tame the crazy, and get the good feelings flowing. It lasts so much longer than stress eating. Running has become a very useful tool. Today will be hard

PM:

At the hospital, we all gathered and prepared to go in to see mom. She felt different than last night, so much life was gone from her. Her heart rate was really low, she was so pale and almost yellow.

On the final day of summer, At 1:43 pm, mom passed away. She was 68 years, 15 days.

One of the worst parts of this is not having somewhere in which to gather together as a surviving family, without all the bustle of everyday life. We are all staying with different friends who all have lives and loved ones. Where do we go? And so with strong emotions brewing, we sat at a table and tried to act acceptable to the environment of a restaurant. 

As we were leaving the restaurant, my moms cousin, who is visiting the US from Australia, called. She may be coming up for the funeral, bringing some photos of moms younger years with her. Priceless. I'd love to see and know my mother before she was so gripped by mental illness. 

My words are failing me. I am exhausted.  And sad.